BREAKING NEWS: I have been medically cleared to shower like a normal human being.
To be clear, I have not yet done this. But I can. Which feels like being released back into the wild.
The Plastic Foot Condom™ has not been retired, but it has been significantly demoted. It will now oversee the preliminary stages of bathing before being ceremonially removed so I can wash my foot with soap and water like a civilized person.
I am now permitted to put very minimal weight on my left heel—which sounds simple until you realize it requires the balance of a flamingo and a level of coordination you have not recently demonstrated.
I also no longer have to sleep with my foot elevated on what can only be described as a Princess-and-the-Pea mattress tower—a position that assumes a flexibility I do not possess.
I’ve been cleared to drive short distances, which feels both liberating and mildly threatening to the surrounding mailboxes. I’ve also been cleared for a manicure tomorrow, which might be the truest sign of recovery.
For the record, I am still in the boot. And if I need to travel any distance longer than a dignified shuffle, the knee scooter remains my noble steed. So let’s not get carried away.
But the stitches come out in just over two weeks.
We are not fully operational. But we are trending upward.
Progress.
Absurdities and Fires 